Naruto: The Legendary Shinobi
by Da-Deranged-Dude
Summary: Since the First Great Ninja War, kunoichi have proved themselves to be superior than shinobi. So in a modern all-kunoichi Konoha, Naruto will rise as a man amongst women and prove to the world that 'badass' is not sexist. NaruHarem. Reviews make me happy!
1. Chapter 1

**Notes:** Be warned. This story has _even more_ gender-bending madness than Dimensional Travel is Confusing. Be warned…

**Disclaimer: Could you do me a favor and look up on Google to see who the owner of Naruto is? Now read the name slowly; memorize it. Now read my name. If you still think I am the owner, I will personally haxx0rz your computer and stream your personal files all over the Internet.**

-

A lonesome boy, barely five years old, walked down the streets of his so-called 'home'. Several people glared at him as he slowly dragged himself back to his apartment. Some threw objects at him, the sharper ones mysteriously disappearing in midair as black blurs shot by, unseen by the villagers. The boy was the container of Kyuubi no Kitsune and sole heir to the Namikaze and Uzumaki fortunes. His name was Uzumaki Naruto and he just learned the way of the ninja was sexist.

-

_**Flashback**_

Sarutobi Hiroshi looked down at the small boy cowering at her feet. The Sandaime Hokage looked to the angry and clearly drunk villager trying to shove past one of her ANBU guards.

"Let me at him! He killed my daughter!" The woman slurred, waving an empty beer bottle threateningly. Naruto whimpered as he buried himself deeper into Hiroshi's robe, as if trying to be engulfed in its protective warmth. Hiroshi frowned.

She looked at the woman and opened her wrinkled mouth. "How could he have killed your daughter? He is nothing but a small child, a _boy_ nonetheless."

"No, he's not Hokage-sama!" She said, grinning. "He's the damned Kyuubi taking on a human form! The clever fox has many of the kunoichi fooled, including you! No offense of course…"

Hiroshi sighed as she ran a hand through graying hair. The Hokage nodded to her ANBU.

The masked kunoichi brought a swift chop to the woman's neck, knocking her unconscious. Naruto looked in awe at the speed the ANBU moved in. "Wow…"

Hiroshi smiled at the young lad as he tried to crawl out of the white and red folds of her robes. The boy stood and walked up to the cloak-wearing kunoichi, his eyes glistening.

"Excuse me, Mask-san, but how did you do that?" He said, curiosity and fascination overwhelming his previous thoughts.

The woman looked down at him with her dog mask. Her smooth silver hair swayed side to side as her head moved. "I merely knocked him out, Naruto-san. It is a common skill that all kunoichi use against civilians."

"Kunoichi?" He repeated. Naruto's nose scrunched up at an unfamiliar word. The blonde boy turned to his grandmother figure. "Obaachan, what's a kunoichi?"

The elderly lady crouched to Naruto's level. "A kunoichi is a warrior of sorts, Naruto-kun. They live and train to protect the village and their loved ones. In a hidden village such as the one we live in, a kunoichi would most likely be watching you at all times. It is their duty to do so. They use Jutsu and the Will of Fire to keep bad people away."

A look of understanding adorned the blonde's face. Then it was quickly replaced by one of determination. "Obaachan! I've decided on what a want to be when I grow up!"

Hiroshi smiled lightly, already predicting what the boy wanted to say. "You can't be a kunoichi, Naruto-kun."

"Eh!? Why not!?" Naruto exclaimed.

"All kunoichi are girls, Naruto-kun. And you are most definitely not a girl." Hiroshi answered with a giggle.

"B-but… Why? Why do kunoichi have to be _girls_!?" The blonde asked, his eyes watering.

"It's just the way it is, Naruto-kun. Kunoichi have been girls since the beginning of nindo, the ninja arts." The Hokage replied.

"What are ninja?" Naruto asked, curiosity once again overwhelming his previous thoughts.

"It's just another word for kunoichi, Naruto-kun. And no you cannot become a kunoichi and that's final." Hiroshi said. The Hokage stood and walked back inside the Hokage Tower. The ANBU guard with the silver hair and dog mask picked up the unconscious woman and disappeared in a swirl of leaves and smoke. Naruto pouted in a manner that would drive teenage girls mad as he trudged away from the large building, thinking about a way to become as awesome as Mask-san.

_**Flashback End**_

-

Inspiration struck him like a lightning-covered hand to his chest. The boy decided he would look up a way to become a ninja. He would do anything, even if he had to disguise himself as a girl for the next few years, to be a kunoichi.

The ANBU agents guarding him grew quite frightened when the young boy they were supposed to be protecting inconspicuously had begun to chuckle in an evil manner.

"Kukukukukuku…"

Of course the nearby villagers feared the Kyuubi had finally escaped and begun to plot their doom, hence the malefic chuckle. Men screamed as they shoved their children into their homes while the women charged out with pitchforks and whatnot, shouting battle-cries. The elite mask-wearing kunoichi sighed as they went into action in order to pacify the panicking crowd.

-

The next few weeks was spent in the library, where the librarian didn't seem to pay any attention to him. Then again, all she did was read a strange orange book called Yaoi Yaoi Paradise while giggled perversely. Meh. The blonde boy researched diligently, reading books with his limited grammar knowledge to the best of his ability. Soon enough, he found a particularly big and dusty tome with the title, 'The Legend of Shinobi'. Naruto opened the first page and let out a long drawled-out. "Wooooow…"

Reason? The book had pictures! The first image was that of a kunoichi, battle-clad and armed with kunai to the teeth. However, the immediate thing the boy noticed was the warrior depicted in the picture did not have mounds on its chest nor the round and pretty features of an average kunoichi. Instead, it had a brown stubble of hair on its chin, broad shoulders and a particularly thick pad of armor around the crotch. Yup, it was definitely a guy.

"Success!" The blonde shouted in joy. He had just found evidence that male kunoichi _did _exist.

"Shhh!!!" The librarian hissed. "I'm trying to read my book over here!"

Sounds of perverted giggled followed as Naruto hefted the large book over his shoulder. The blonde ran out of the library, eager to show his grandmother figure that he _could_ become a kunoichi. Of course, he did not notice the library alarms going off and the closest person to the library doorway, a muscled woman in a green leotard, getting tackled by the security guards.

"Damn you, Kirashi! I just _know_ this is related to you!" The woman, Maito Chikku, screamed to the sky as the guards handcuffed her.

"Alright, miss. You just have to give back the book and you'll be free." The female guard told her.

"For all that is youthful, I didn't steal a book!"

"Just cooperate miss and give it back."

"No! I did not steal it!"

"She's going wild! Get me a tazer!"

"W-wait! Wait! YEEEOOWCH!"

-

Meanwhile, a silver-haired kunoichi with her face buried in Yaoi Yaoi Paradise sneezed.

"Aw… I just got snot on the scene where Ryuu and Kyo are having a threesome with Takashi."

-

"Obaachan!" Came a shout from outside the Hokage's office. The elderly lady looked up from her Yaoi Yaoi Paradise… I mean 'paperwork'. She recognized the voice immediately.

A small blonde boy burst through the doorway, a large tome on his back and a couple ANBU guards tripping over their feet to catch up to him.

"Obaachan! Obaachan! I found it!" Naruto cried as he ran around the long desk containing the Hokage's masses of paper.

"Found what exactly Naruto-kun?" Hiroshi asked with a kind smile. She nodded to the ANBU, telling them to leave. The two kunoichi who were flat on their faces at the door grumbled before walking back outside, closing the door behind them.

"I found proof!" The boy responded as he slammed the big book on the table with surprising strength for a five-year old. It was on the page of the male ninja. "There _are_ boy kunoichi!"

Hiroshi sighed. She knew that this was going to happen. "Naruto, male ninja are called shinobi as the title of the book says. And also as the book says, it's just a legend."

"Hm…" The boy had a thoughtful look on his whiskered face. His eyes lit up. "Then I'll just have to make that legend come true!"

"Naruto-kun, it's not that simple…"

"I don't care! I wanna become a kunoichi! I wanna be cool like Mask-san!" He pouted, crossing his arms for the extra cuteness.

"Naruto-kun…"

"No… I don't just wanna be a kunoichi! I wanna be a _shinobi_! And even better, I'll become the first male Hokage! Just you watch, Obaachan! When I'm older, you'll be handing me that awesome hat!"

Oh boy… Naruto was on a roll. When he got like this, _anything_ could spout from his mouth. And with his OCD-like penchant for keeping promises, the elderly Hokage was sure the boy would go to great lengths to fulfill them. Who knows? He might just become the first shinobi since the First Great Ninja War. And with a shit-load of luck, the boy might actually become the first male Kage.

'_Nah…'_ Hiroshi shook her head with a giggle. _'There's no way Naruto-kun could even become a ninja, let alone a Kage. I think my age is getting to me.'_

"I'm sure that if you would become a ninja, Naruto-kun, you might have a chance of becoming Hokage, but unfortunately…"

"What!?" Naruto exclaimed. "What is it!?"

"Unfortunately, the Ninja Academy only accepts female students." Hiroshi said. "And you need to graduate from the Academy before you even become a genin, the lowest of the ninja ranks."

Naruto tapped a finger on his chin. "I'll be right back!"

Ten minutes later, an excited Uzumaki ran back into the office where Hiroshi was waiting patiently.

"Here!" He shoved a book towards her, showing the description of a rather common E-rank Genjutsu, the **Henge no Jutsu**.

Hiroshi sighed. "No, Naruto-kun. I cannot allow it. Besides the teachers would surely notice the Genjutsu."

Naruto looked downcast before regaining his determination. "Then I'll have to make it so that no one could notice it! Not even you, Obaachan!"

-

Nearly nine years later, it was the day after graduation day. Less than a dozen girls entered the classroom of Umino Hiruka, gossiping and giggling like normal teens. They sat down in their respective chairs and listened intently to their teacher, who was standing at the front of the room.

"Alright class." Hiruka said, smiling. "Today is one of the most important days of your life. For today, with Kami's blessing and the Will of Fire burning in your hearts, you will leave behind your Academy days and go out to the world beyond, as _kunoichi_!"

A cheer resounded through the room. The scarred woman scanned the rows, taking attendance mentally. The students that graduated yesterday's Genin Exam were an exceptional bunch. Many were from prevalent ninja clans, having above than average skills for a regular newly-graduated kunoichi.

'_Aburame Shiina…'_ She was in the bottom-left row, her face covered by her collar and a large pair of sunglasses.

'_Akimichi Chourei…'_ The 'big-boned' girl was eating a bag of chips in the top-right row.

'_Haruno Sakura…' _The intelligent pinkette sat with her best friends in middle-right row.

'_Hyuuga Hinata…'_ She sat next to Shiina, her white eyes scanning the room while her fingers poked each other nervously.

'_Inuzuka Kibira…'_ The girl played with her nin-dog, Akibe, in the top-right row.

'_Nara Shikae…'_ She slept between to Chourei and Kibira, snoring peacefully.

'_Uchiha Satsuki…'_ The normally-broody Uchiha lightly chatted with Sakura.

'_Uzumaki Naruko…'_ She wasn't in her normal spot in the bottom-right row… Curious.

'_Yamanaka Ino…'_ The platinum blonde daydreamed next to Satsuki, looking out of the window wistfully.

"Alright, now it's time to assign teams…"

"NARUTIMATE ENTRANCE!" An orange, yellow and black blur crashed through a window and flipped gracefully before landing next to Hiruka.

"… Welcome to class Naruko."

The whiskered 'girl' grinned foxily at 'her' sensei. "Hehe… Sorry for the window."

-

_**Flashback**_

A seven-year old Naruto came crashing into the Hokage's office, a big vulpine grin on his face.

"Obaachan!"

Hiroshi sighed. _'I really need to improve my security…'_

"What is it Naruto-kun?"

"I've found a way to get into the Academy!"

"Naruto-kun, I've told many times already. Kirashi may have taught you how to mold chakra, but you still cannot join the Ninja Academy."

"… Heehee. Watch this! **Oiroke no Jutsu!**"

And with a 'poof', in place of Naruto, a smoking-hot blonde bombshell of a bishounen stood, naked as the day he was born. Thankfully, the smoke around his manhood still hadn't dissipated. The elderly woman's hibernating hormones suddenly jumpstarted. They sent a juggernaught of signals up and down her body, catalyzing three simple reactions to a situation such as this.

Blush. Nosebleed. Faint.

Several minutes of scolding later, Hiroshi and Naruto, still in bishounen form but having a towel around his waist, faced each other from across her desk.

"What was the point of this scandalous Jutsu, Naruto-kun?" The Hokage asked, her face still red.

'Naruto' grinned a grin so beautiful, a legion of fangirls would have fallen at his feet, reveling in its awesomeness. "Can you tell if it's a Genjutsu, Obaachan?"

Hiroshi suddenly had a look of astonishment after she tried to dispel it. "I can't dispel it… How did you do this?"

"Well Mask-chan tried to teach me a Jutsu because I was being… 'Emo'. Or whatever Mask-chan calls it." 'Naruto' chuckled. "I kinda messed up and this is the result! I can turn into a girl, too! So can I go to the Academy now!? Pleeeaaase!?"

_**Flashback End**_

-

"Team Seven is Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Satsuki, and Uzumaki Naruko. Your Jounin sensei is Hatake Kirashi. Team Eight is Hyuuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kibira, and Aburame Shiina. Your Jounin sensei is Yuuhi Kurenai. Team Nine is still in service from last year. Team Ten is Yamanaka Ino, Akimichi Chourei, and Nara Shikae. Your Jounin sensei is Mitarashi Anko. It's break time so you girls can have some time getting to know your teammates. After lunch, you have to report back to class to wait for your new Jounin senseis, got it?"

"Hai!"

"Good." And so Hiruka left the room in a swirl of leaves, leaving the new teams to themselves. After a hapless lunch filled with arguing for Team Seven, Sakura and Satsuki turned to Ino with frowns.

"Sorry, Ino. I guess you're all alone. I wish we could've been a team, but it's got to be balanced right?" Sakura said.

"Pfft… Those two bums are nothing." Ino jerked her thumb at Shikae and Chourei with a smirk. "At least I'm not stuck with Naruko-baka."

"Just shut up…" Satsuki said, slapping her forehead. "It's bad enough we got him as a third teammate. Stop mocking us."

It was a well-known fact that Naruko and Satsuki have had one of the most intense one-sided rivalries since the times of the Dentestu no Sannin. Putting them in the same team was like calling for death to knock on your door with cake and your dead relative's head on a pike. Meaning, it's a _big_ no-no.

"Damned balanced teams…" The Uchiha sighed hopelessly.

The sunny-blonde 'girl' came up to their row in 'her' usual unorthodox way: jumping onto Satsuki's desk and getting into the raven-haired Uchiha's face as much as possible.

"Look, teme." Naruko said with a grin. "Don't hold me back and we'll be fine as a group, alright?"

Satsuki glared at 'her'. "Shouldn't I be saying that to _you_?"

Lightning sparked between them as their faces got as close as possible to each other's without touching.

As fate would have it, Akibe wanted to play. The small nin-dog jumped off her owner's desk and ran down the stairs that was in between the rows. She turned into the bottom-right row. Kibira went after her.

"Wait up Akibe!" The Inuzuka girl chased after her companion down into the bottom-right row, unaware of the staring contest between the Uzumaki and Uchiha. Then, in a totally random, not-planned-by-an-author sequence of actions, Kibira bumped into Naruko. The whiskered teen tried to balance 'herself' as 'she' tipped forwards suddenly, but that failed on an epic level. The sounds of gasping and lips smacking soon followed.

-

Yuuhi Kurenai and Mitarashi Anko walked side-by-side down the halls of the Academy, to the classroom where their students would be.

"What do you think your team would be like, Nai-chan?" Anko asked her best friend.

"I don't have a clue. I just hope they're competent." The crimson-eyed kunoichi replied as they came upon their chosen destination.

"Well I for one, hope my team is something… out of the ordinary." Anko giggled perversely. Kurenai shook her head with a small smile. The purple-haired trench coat-wearing kunoichi opened the door to find two of the students furiously making out while the others stared at them in shock.

"… Whoever those two are, I want them as apprentices, whether they're my students or not."

Kurenai could only shake her head again at Anko's comment.

-

**Review please! If you can't review, a simple tribute of apple pie would suffice. Just drop it off in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with a tag saying, 'for Da-Deranged-Dude'. Trust me, it'll find its way to my doorstep. Eventually.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes:** If haven't noticed yet, since the first chapters are mostly canon (other than the fact that everyone is about two years older), I'll be skipping all the boring parts and will fast-forward to the moments that actually matter to the story.

**Disclaimer: I doubt **_**anyone**_** in the entire FanFiction Community owns anything. I mean, if they did, why are they here?**

-

"Alright, let's start off with introductions. State your name, likes, dislikes, hobbies and dreams for the future." A masked woman with long silver hair said. She was Hatake Kirashi, the Jounin sensei of Team Seven. A slender hand rose.

"Um, sensei? Can't you give us an example first?" Sakura asked. Kirashi nodded.

"My name is Hatake Kirashi. My likes… I don't wanna tell you. My dislikes… ditto. My hobbies… You're not old enough. My dreams… None of your business." The silver-haired woman answered. "Pinky, your turn."

The two girls and one 'girl' sweat-dropped.

'_All we got was her name.'_ They thought in unison.

Sakura huffed at the nickname but replied anyway. "My name is Haruno Sakura. My likes are Satsuki, Ino and my family. My dislike is Naruko. My hobbies are hanging out with Satsuki and Ino, reading books and training. My dream is to become a well-known kunoichi and to serve the village!"

Kirashi nodded. _'Seems like another general kunoichi. I need to beat some uniqueness into her, other than that oddly-colored hair.'_

"Moody, you next."

Satsuki crossed her hands in front of her face and leaned forward onto her elbows, as if attempting to manifest her own dark emo-like aura. "Uchiha Satsuki. I don't have many likes. I have many dislikes. My hobbies include shopping, training, shopping… and shopping. I don't have a dream. It's more like an ambition. I need to kill a certain woman."

'Naruko' rolled 'her' eyes. _'Of course… Satsuki has to be emo about everything.'_

'_Should I be scared my student is a homicidal lunatic? Nah.'_ Kirashi turned to her last student, who as fate would have it, she knew quite well.

"Blondie, you're up."

The blonde 'girl' hopped up from 'her' seat on the Academy's rooftop and stood straight. 'She' snapped a sloppy salute before grinning goofily. "My name is Uzumaki Naruko. My likes include reading pornographic material, fantasizing of having a big lesbian orgy with every girl I have ever met and making out with females of my choice. My dislikes include girls who won't submit to my will, girls who don't think a lesbian dominatrix is sexy and girls who scream too loud when strapped to my bed. My hobby is to catch unsuspecting women in dark alleys at night then have my way with them for a day or two. My dream is to grow a manhood and live as a transvestite hermit in the forest, pouncing on girls that come too deep into my territory."

By the time 'Naruko' had finished 'her' rather lengthy introduction, the two other members of Team Seven were on the rail at the side of the roof, ready to jump away should the maniacal pseudo-lesbian even _try_ to step in their direction.

A brick flew and collided with the blonde 'girl's' head.

"Gaah!" 'She' cried out as 'she' fell to the ground in pain.

"Naruko, please give out a proper introduction." Kirashi deadpanned.

The Hokage-aspirer stood back up, mumbling under 'her' breath. "Fine. My name is Uzumaki Naruko. My likes are ramen and playing pranks. My dislikes are Satsuki-teme and her posse, arrogant bastards in general and traitors. My hobbies are training, gardening and coming up with new ramen recipes. My dream is to become a Hokage!"

"Very good, Naruko."

"Thanks, Mask-chan."

-

A month. It had been a full, unrelenting month of torture and general annoyance. The students of Hatake Kirashi had their asses ripped off, chewed up, spit back out and reattached in the training she put them through. Even the 'mighty' Uchiha Satsuki had to stop and take a long breather after an _hour _of training.

But after the first month of gruesome training and D-rank missions, Team Seven had finally begun to act like a team.

"NARUKO!" Sakura shrieked as she knocked hard on her teammate's apartment door. "Get your late, oversleeping ass out bed so I can kick it! Then we need to head over to the Hokage tower to get our next assignment!"

Satsuki stood next her friend, sighing lightly in exasperation.

Yup. They acted just like a team.

-

Naruto groaned as he rolled around in bed. He had spent last night practicing the memory limits of Kage Bunshin. He each had fifty of them memorize a scroll, word-by-word. Then the blonde dispelled his clones, one-by-one. This resulted in his sudden unconsciousness and a headache that would rival Tsunade's on a long night of drinking and losing money… I mean gambling.

"NARUKO!!!"

The blonde Jinchuuriki groaned again. _'Who the hell would want to bother me so early in the morning?'_

He sat up and got off of his bed, swaying as he sleepily stumbled to the door. Of course he did not notice that the clock read that he was almost three hours late to his team meeting.

Naruto yawned as he swung the door open. "What is it?"

Suddenly he felt something wet splash on his face. He took a hand and wiped it off. The blonde looked at the offending stain. His eyes widened slightly. It was blood…

-

Sakura and Satsuki eye's twitched uncontrollably as there continued to be no answer from the room's interior.

"That's it." Sakura sighed. She brought a fist up and soaked it with rage-empowered chakra. "I'm blowing this door down."

As the pinkette's enclosed hand neared the door, it opened. Her hand dropped in shock, as well as her and Satsuki's jaws.

In front of the two Team Seven members, there stood an avatar of blonde beauty, clad in only orange boxers and a walrus nightcap. He had a perfectly-shaped face, not too round but not having the chiseled features of a fully-grown man either. His half-lidded cerulean eyes stared at them, filled with so much brightness and joy it nearly blinded them. His body was packed with muscles that could've rivaled any veteran samurai's. His spiky sun-colored hair waved slightly in the breeze. On his cheeks, there were three sets of symmetrical whisker-like marks, and his mouth was in a small pout, creating the cutest possible expression that an adolescent male could ever achieve.

Sakura's head snapped backwards as blood gushed from her nose. The pinkette fainted on the spot with a satisfied smile on her face. Satsuki just stood with a blush that rivaled a certain Hyuuga's. Then the god-like man before her subtly wiped her teammate's blood off of his face before abruptly slamming the door shut.

Satsuki felt herself burn in a way she had never experienced before. It was a pleasant burn, one that was filled with anticipation, excitement. She knew then that the source of this burn was the Adonis that was in her presence only a mere second before. Satsuki decided that she wanted more of the feeling. The raven-haired beauty quickly stepped over her unconscious teammate and grasped the doorknob. She shoved it open, her eyes scanning the room for the blonde male.

Unfortunately all she found was a grinning 'Naruko' in 'her' pajamas.

"Geez, teme. Did you _really_ have to barge into my room like that? You could've knocked." 'She' giggled.

-

Kirashi stood with her team in Hiroshi's office awaiting their next mission.

"Kirashi, please don't let your students take after your late habits." Hiruka said with a scowl. "Punctuality is important for a growing kunoichi."

Kirashi shrugged. Meanwhile, Sakura and Satsuki were looking at 'Naruko' from the corner of their eyes.

'_Who was that blonde boy?'_ Sakura thought.

'_Why does that man look so much like Naruko?'_ Satsuki brooded.

'_Is he related to him?'_

'_Where did he go?'_

'_Is Naruko trying to hide him?'_

'_Why would Naruko hide a relative from his teammates?'_

'_It's as if she doesn't want any other girls to meet him.'_

'_Is she jealous or something?'_

'_Wait then does that mean…'_

'… _She wants him for himself?'_

'_I-i-incest is wrong! But why do I feel so appealed by the thought?'_

'_What the hell is wrong with me!?'_

Kirashi, Hiruka and Hiroshi stared blankly at Team Seven as Sakura and Satsuki blushed like crazy while mumbling about incest and stupid blondes. 'Naruko' looked like 'she' either didn't notice or didn't care. 'Her' rapt attention to a fly buzzing around 'her' nose confirmed it was most likely the former. Neither of the three was paying the slightest bit of attention to the lengthy conversation that just took place.

Tazuna stood with his sake bottle at the doorway, watching his so-called bodyguards continue to ignore everything else in existence.

"Someone please kill me now." The bridge builder uttered to the sky before taking a long swig from his bottle.

-

_**(A/N: Fast-forwarding is fun.)**_

The C-rank mission to Wave Country turned out to be a big conglomerate of misfortunes and Fate's bitching. Team Seven had survived an attack from two Chuunin-level kunoichi, the Demon Sisters, a Jounin-level kunoichi, Momochi Zaekaza, and was now waiting for said Jounin to recover and attack them again. So a handicapped Kirashi stepped up their training, having them practice tree-climbing.

The three ninja trained harder than they ever had in their whole life, Satsuki and Sakura both exhausting their chakra reserves by the end of the day. The two stared incredulously at their third teammate, who was still going at it. 'Naruko' continued to run up the tree but 'her' progress was not even close to 'her' teammates'. Both the pinkette and raven-haired girl had reached the top of their respective trees already.

"Naruko, stop it already!" Sakura panted. "You'll kill yourself from chakra exhaustion!"

Satsuki wondered how the blonde had so much stamina. Only Kage-level kunoichi could go so long without suffering any hint from chakra fatigue. This brought a pang of jealously up her spine, but it was quelled by her curiosity and her own tiredness.

"I'll be fine!" 'Naruko' shouted back as 'she' was once again repelled from the tree's bark. The blonde quickly marked 'her' point of progress before falling back to the ground with a backflip. "You guys go back, I could go on for the rest of the day if I have to!"

The two kunoichi reluctantly agreed and were soon walking back to Tazuna's house, using each other as support.

"Satsuki." Sakura suddenly said as their limped.

"Hn?" The Uchiha grunted in reply.

"Kunoichi normally increase their chakra reserves, not refine their chakra control right?" Sakura asked.

"Yes. Where are you going with this?" Satsuki replied.

"I remember Hiruka-sensei telling us that males also have a chakra system, that they have naturally larger reserves than females but lesser chakra control. And Naruko…"

"You can't possible say…"

"Naruko has surprised us before, hasn't she? Or should I even call Naruko a 'she'?"

"What you're implying is completely absurd!? We would've detected any Genjutsu and so would have the Academy instructors. No male is allowed in the Ninja Academy. You of all people should know that."

"I know, but still…"

"Just drop it, Sakura."

"… Alright."

-

Naruto snored lightly as he lay at the base of a tree, blissfully asleep. A small bird landed on his cheeks, pecking at his nose. The blonde shook his head to rid the tiny annoyance on his face, scaring the bird away. The rest of the bird's flock that toyed with the rest of his body flew off as well. The fluttering of small wings brought the attention of a passerby.

The person, a young woman in a kimono, raised a slim eyebrow as she ceased her herb-picking. She stood and went to investigate. The girl stopped and knelt down as she found the source of the birds' panicking. It was a blonde 'girl' about her age.

The brown-haired woman softly shook 'her' shoulder. "Hey, wake up. You might catch a cold."

The 'girl' opened 'her' eyelids to reveal brilliant cerulean orbs. 'She' sat up with a moan. "What're you doing here, oneesan?"

The other female smiled. "Just picking some herbs to make medicine."

'Naruko' smiled back. "Mind if I help?"

"Not at all."

The two spent the next hour or so picking herbs and lightly chatting. Then the brown-haired of the duo noticed 'Naruko's' headband wrapped around 'her' arm.

"So you're a kunoichi?"

"Yup!" 'Naruko' grinned. "I'm gonna become one of the strongest, the Hokage!"

"Why do you want to become Hokage?" The brown-haired girl asked as she plucked an herb from the ground.

'Naruko' thought for a minute before answering. "I wanna become Hokage to protect everyone precious to me!"

"Then… You will truly become strong." The girl stood up suddenly and began to walk away. "I need to go now, Naruko-san."

"Wait!" 'Naruko' called out. "I never got your name."

The woman stopped and looked over her shoulder. She smiled. "Haku."

"Hope I see you later, Haku-san!" The blonde 'girl' waved.

Haku continued walking and just before she was out of earshot, she turned around. "Oh and by the way, I'm a boy!"

Her usual shocking ploy didn't seem to work. The common gasp or choking sound did not reach her ears. Instead she heard a male's voice in place of 'Naruko's'.

"You can't fool someone who's been at the same game for years and never got caught, Haku-chan!" A handsome blonde male shouted back, a defiant smirk on his face. Haku's eyes widened as he jumped off in the opposite direction, laughing all the way.

-

Subaku no Naigara stood atop the Kazekage Dome, her red hair blowing slightly in the breeze. She stared over the village that despised her, feared her. But that fact didn't bother her in the least. For all she cared, anyone who would try and get in her way was stupid and deserved to die a slow death by her obedient sand.

Naigara's sole sister, Temari, watched her from the over side of the Dome's flattened top. The blonde teen adjusted her quadruplet ponytails in boredom.

Baiki, their Jounin sensei, appeared in between them in a swirl of sand.

"It is decided. Kazekage-sama and Orochimaru-dono have approved of our team. We are to travel to Konoha for the Chuunin Exams. Naigara-san, you will have the opportunity to slaughter many people when the invasion begins. Temari-san, you will have the chance to prove yourself a capable kunoichi in the name of Sunagakure no Sato. Be ready to leave by dawn." The veiled woman informed them before disappearing in a manner similar to her entrance.

A sadistic grin spread on Naigara's face.

"Mother… You will feast on much blood soon."

-

_**Omake**_

Sakura and Satsuki quietly sneaked up to 'Naruko's' window using their new wall-climbing skills. They just _had_ to have a glimpse of 'Naruko's' brother again.

As the neared the glass pane, they heard someone talking from inside. It was 'Naruko'! The two girls pressed their ears to the unfortunately closed window and listened intently.

"Wow… It's so thick! Mmm… It tastes so good too; a bit salty, but really sweet!"

Sakura and Satsuki blushed brightly at what their teammate said.

"Ah! It's squirting all over! Why won't this stop shooting dammit?" 'Naruko' said with a playful tone. 'She' giggled.

The pinkette's eyes twitched involuntarily.

"Look at that! It's filled up all of the holes already!"

The raven-haired kunoichi gulped as she felt that strange burning sensation again.

"Hm… I think I should share this with my teammates sometime."

"HELL YEAH!" Sakura and Satsuki shouted in unison. They smashed through the glass window, both blushing crimson and grinning in anticipation. Then they face-faulted at the scene in front of them.

"So you guys want some waffles too?" 'Naruko' asked them with a foxy grin, holding a bottle of syrup in 'her' hand. 'She' sat at a table, a plate of said pastries completely covered in syrup in front of 'her'.

Later that day, 'Naruko' could be seen with a black eye and two teeth missing.

-

**Review please, or else I'll throw a flaming ball of Michael Jackson records at you!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes:** Alright, now it's time for me to announce the members of Naruto's harem! They are: Male!Orochimaru, Male!Kabuto, and Male!Karin. Just kidding, the thought of a male Orochimaru or Kabuto is absurd. I won't actually tell you guys the lucky gals who get to be paired with the blonde; it's up to you guys to figure it out on your own. However, I _will_ tell you that the maximum number of females is four, so don't expect a mega-harem that includes every single gender-bent ninja in the world. Also, when referring to Naruko in context, I've decided to stop emphasizing it with quotation marks. Why? Because I'm lazy.

**Disclaimer: Don't sue me! I happen to have a very good lawyer who won me **_**two**_** years of prison, so nyah!**

-

_**Flashback**_

Naruko set an unnecessarily huge scroll down on the ground with a grunt. The blonde girl smiled. She had done it, just like Mizushi-sensei had told her to. She had successfully stolen the Forbidden Scroll from under the Hokage's nose. Now all that was left to graduate and become a Genin was to learn a Jutsu from said scroll.

"Alright…" Naruko said as she dispelled her **Oiroke no Jutsu**, transforming back into her male form. He grinned as he unrolled the scroll. "Let's see what I've got to learn."

'_**Kage Bunshin no Jutsu**__… Great.'_ Naruto's eyebrow twitched. It was common knowledge that the **Bunshin** was his worst enemy, aside from Satsuki-teme of course. "Oh well, I should at least try."

Thirty minutes later, the Jinchuuriki laid on his back, panting. He had successfully learned his first A-rank Jutsu, other than his **Oiroke** of course, which was labeled as top-secret and highly dangerous by Hiroshi, under the fact that it could reduce entire armies into groveling idiots with bloody noses.

"Naruko!" Hiruka exclaimed as she landed in the clearing her student was in. "So this is where you've been!"

Naruto, with years of practice, near-subconsciously activated the **Oiroke**, reverting to his female counterpart. Naruko grinned sheepishly at her sensei. "Hey Hiruka-sensei! I guess I've passed the test now, huh?"

"Test?" Hiruka narrowed her eyes in confusion. "What test?"

"The test that Mizushi-sensei told me about! The secret one that involves me stealing the Forbidden Scroll and learning something from it!" Naruko said as she stood up, leaning on the scroll that was two-thirds her size. "And guess what!? That's exactly what I did! Now you'll promote me to Genin now, right?"

"Naruko, Mizushi lied to you! There's no secret…" Hiruka was interrupted by a sudden barrage of kunai and shuriken. The brown-haired Chuunin managed to use her arms to block her vital spots while she jerked her head to the side, a kunai whizzing past her cheek. "Who the hell threw that!?"

A familiar giggle resounded though the clearing. A figure with grey hair dropped down from a nearby tree.

"Hiruka… You chose the wrong time to find that Demon Brat. I didn't want to do this, but I guess I'll have to kill you as well." Mizushi smiled.

"What are you talking about!?" Hiruka demanded, trying to suppress the pain coming from her injuries. "The Kyuubi vessel went missing long ago!"

Mizushi's smile turned sour. "You didn't know? Well I guess I shouldn't be surprised. That girl over there is not Uzumaki Naruko as we have been led to believe, Hiruka. There were so many clues as to her true identity, right under our noses. I was lucky to have seen that faux kunoichi in the Hokage's office with her disguise off. Binoculars are more useful than I thought it seems."

"What do you mean?" The scarred kunoichi growled.

"It doesn't matter." Mizushi answered with a careless wave of the hand. "You're gonna die in a second anyway."

Naruko could only watch in terror as the grey-haired Academy instructor pulled off a giant shuriken from her back and began to spin it like some sort of buzz-saw. Hiruka tried to dodge and move away from the large rotating blades, but was too slow. Mizushi thrust forward the weapon vertically and drew blood.

Hiruka gasped as she stared at the scene in front of her. A mysterious blonde male that looked near-identical to Naruko stood there, using his bare palms to hold the spinning blades in place. Blood dripped down from his hands as his face twisted into a painful expression. Mizushi didn't look as surprised. Instead, she looked psychotic, complete with wide rage-filled eyes and maniacal grin.

"Looks like the Demon Brat finally shows himself!"

"N-Naruko?" Hiruka asked tentatively.

The blonde teen grinned the foxy grin that only Uzumaki Naruko had ever achieved. "Mizushi-teme you lying traitorous bastard… Whatever you had in mind for me and Hiruka-sensei, I assure you I will return a hundredfold."

The grey-haired woman pulled back her giant shuriken from Naruto's grasp. "Bring it on, Demon! I'll finish what the Yondaime Hokage started and kill you right here and now! And who knows? I might even be hailed as a hero! They would let me keep that Forbidden Scroll among all sorts of wonderful things! All I have to do is make sure you die."

Naruto looked back as his still-shocked teacher. "Hiruka-sensei, I'm sorry for deceiving you."

The scarred Chuunin could only watch as her student formed a single handseal, replicated himself a few hundred times, and laid an epic beat-down on Mizushi's face.

_**Flashback End**_

-

Naruto awoke, his **Oiroke** not active as it was impossible to maintain it while asleep. He yawned loudly as he looked at a nearby clock. It was late. He figured that the rest of the team were already at the construction site and were waiting. The blonde groaned as he stretched and put on his normal blue and orange jumpsuit. He opened the door and walked downstairs, stopping just halfway down the steps as he heard a slight grunting noise coming from the kitchen. It was accompanied by a gagging sound and a few bumps.

"Keep her still will ya!" A rough male voice said.

"Oh I know how to shut her up." Another man answered in a sick tone.

"Don't you dare touch my mom!" A third voice shouted. It was obviously that of a little boy's, one that Naruto knew well.

"Damned brat!" The first voice cried in reply as the sound of unsheathing metal reached Naruto's ears. The Jinchuuriki's eyes widened as he leaped down the remainder of the steps, two clones materializing out of thin air beside him.

-

Inari watched as three male teens appeared out of nowhere, flying directly at the two rogue swordsmen that were next to his bound and gagged mom. The one slightly ahead of the airborne formation landed at the two surprised bandits' feet, grabbed the unconscious woman and jumped away towards Inari. The remaining two kept on flying and their already cocked fists flew forward in harmony, both colliding with their respective bandit's face in unison. Both men were sent through the nearby wall, most likely unconscious.

"N-Naruko?" Inari stuttered as the blonde set the woman down and cut the rope tying her hands together. The two clones poofed away as the blonde turned towards the young boy.

The teen grinned. "The name is _Naruto_, remember it."

Naruto, without another word, ran out of the house and began to head towards the bridge, sure that Zaekara would attack soon.

-

Satsuki and Haku twirled in the thick mist smothering the bridge. They moved in a sort of dance; spinning and jumping, corresponding to the other's motions. But this was not a true dance. Any kunoichi could identify the telltale clanging of metal against metal, a battle. Every other second, a glimpse of a kunai and a senbon would appear clashing before disappearing in the flurry of limbs and cloth.

Satsuki smirked. Although her opponent was more experienced and a bit faster, the Uchiha heiress was stronger and more flexible. That coupled with her honed Uchiha Shishiken Taijutsu style gave her an upper hand in the skirmish. Things were going her way… that is until Haku began flipping through handseals and formed a dome of floating mirrors around them.

Elsewhere, Zaekara swung her ridiculously huge sword down on Kirashi. The silver-haired woman exploded in a shower of water as another copy of her appeared behind the ex Kiri-nin. Kirashi slashed forward with her kunai. Zaekara spun and parried the blow with her sword, knocking her opponent off balance. Kirashi moved with her weight, flipping backwards gracefully. A sudden chakra spike filled the area.

Zaekara grinned toothily behind her makeshift bandage mask. "It seems Haku is getting serious."

"I have no worries. Satsuki can take care of herself. She's the last Uchiha and has the power of the Sharingan waiting to be awakened." Kirashi said in an almost carefree tone.

Zaekara narrowed her eyes. "Bloodlines don't mean shit in Kiri."

"I don't know if you haven't noticed yet but…" The Copy Cat Kunoichi replied as she raised her headband, revealing Obiko's spinning three-tomoe Sharingan. "This isn't Kiri."

The two Jounin blurred.

-

_**Flashback**_

"Naruko…"

"The name is Naruto, Hiruka-sensei."

"Right… Now can you tell me something, Naruto?"

"Sure."

"FOR HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A BOY!?"

The blonde poked at his ear with his pinky, trying to get the ringing to go away. "Um… Fourteen years, four months and seven days."

The brown-haired kunoichi grabbed the Jinchuuriki by the shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me!?"

"Would you have liked teaching a male to be a ninja? Would you have enjoyed teaching the Kyuubi's container to kill?" Naruto answered in a flat voice. "Would you have done that Hiruka-sensei?"

The question made Hiruka pause. The Chuunin smiled sadly as she slid her hands off of his shoulders. "I'm sorry, but suddenly finding out your favorite student is a young man and the holder of my parents' killer is a lot to take in."

"It's not good to show favoritism, Hiruka-sensei. How will everyone else get as awesome as me? Especially Satsuki-teme, she needs it." Naruto chuckled. The blonde was quiet for a moment. "… Do you hate me Hiruka-sensei?"

The older sister figure of the blonde shinobi looked shocked. "I would never!"

"Would you have hated me if you found out about my gender and my… prisoner back when we met?"

"… Hate does not last forever Naruto." Hiruka replied. "Even if I did hate you back then, your natural knuckle-headedness would've won me over eventually."

"Is that a confession Hiruka-sensei?" Naruto grinned suggestively.

"You wish, you fox-carrying prankster." The brown-haired woman quickly wrapped her arm around his neck and noogied him. "I'll always be your Hiruka-oneechan."

"You know, I've always found incest sexy."

"Keep on flirting with me and I'll wedgie you."

_**Flashback End!**_

-

Sakura stood before Tazuna, her eyes darting back and forth through the thick mist.

"Kuso!" She cursed. "I can't see a thing."

Her right hand held a kunai, ready to block anything that would decide to come flying out of the mist, aimed at either her or the bride builder behind her. In her left, she held a handful of shuriken, ready to throw at Zaekara or Haku is she could catch a glimpse of them through the fog.

Tazuna stood with his back to the pinkette, watching the area away from where the battles supposedly were. With an opponent like Zaekara, extra caution would not go to waste.

"Damn that Naruko, staying all night to train on the day before that eyebrow-less freak recovers." Sakura commented under her breath.

She extended her senses with her chakra, but that didn't help much. She could smell the blood of the workers that Zaekara killed and the chakra-absorbing and force-resistant material that usually made up the clothes of kunoichi. She could hear the clang of kunai against sword or senbon. She could taste the killing intent permeating the air. She could feel the tension and fear between herself and Tazuna. She could see… mist. A crapload of mist.

With human beings relying mostly on sight to detect and analyze their surroundings, the pink-haired genin didn't have a lot to work with. She cursed again under her breath.

Suddenly she sensed an incoming chakra source from behind her. She wasn't startled nor threatened in the slightest bit. A blonde figure leapt from the fog, landed next to her and a definitely scared Tazuna, and jumped off towards where the pinkette figured Satsuki and Haku were battling.

"Untimely arrival, baka." Sakura chuckled in slight relief. Kirashi-sensei had ordered her to stay and guard the bridge builder, not allowing her to help her best friend. However, Naruko was not told to do anything and therefore was free to aid in kicking ass. But something about said blonde was bothering her…

"What happened to her hair? And her chest!?"

-

Meanwhile, Hiruka sat at her desk, looking at the newest generation of Konoha kunoichi. This class was interesting to say the least. Among the various civilian-borne children were a few select girls from the more prominent clans in the village.

The first was Hyuuga Hanabi, Hyuuga Hinata's younger sister. The white-eyed girl sat near window, glaring at nothing through the framed glass. The second was Sarutobi Konohamira, the youngest of the ancient monkey-summoning clan, of whom one of its members is the current Hokage. She played with a pair of goggles that were eerily similar to that of a certain blonde's. The third and last was Akimichi Moegi, cousin of Akimichi Chourei. She nibbled on a lollipop while talking animatedly to Konohamira.

Actually, most of the class was talking quite loudly, discussing about playing dollhouse and going to the playground. Hiruka smirked slightly. These children were going to be in a world of hurt in the next few years.

She activated her feared **Kyohitsu no Jutsu**. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The young girls were silenced by the volume of her voice and the foul language. Konohamira wrinkled her nose.

"Hiruka-san, you're not supposed to drop the F-bomb. It's not ladylike."

"Ladylike?" Hiruka giggled. "Well, girls, you might as well throw your girl parts out the window because you won't need them much. Actually, scratch that. You'll need them when you're much older and need to go on espionage missions."

The girls all exchanged a look of confusion.

"Anyways." The Chuunin coughed. "I will be your Academy instructor for the next three years. Under my tutelage, you will learn how to be a kunoichi, how kunoichi came to be, and how a kunoichi will serve her village. Understood?"

"Yes mam." The class said in unison.

"Good… Now let's all go outside for a few mile-long laps."

-

_**Omake**_

A spotlight illuminated a small circle of a stage. In the circle stood Hiruka, clad in her standard Konoha Chuunin uniform. She tapped lightly on a microphone in her hand, earning a bit of feedback. She brought the device to her lips.

"Um… Is this thing on?"

Her amplified and echoing voice answered her question. The brown-haired kunoichi put on her best smile and took a deep breath.

"Welcome, one and all! Welcome, to the greatest fashion show ever to grace the world of **NLS**!"

The spotlight panned to Kirashi, holding her Yaoi Yaoi Paradise. She giggled perversely. Off-screen, Hiruka whispered harshly to the silver-haired woman, who had apparently not noticed she was on camera.

"Kirashi you dumbass, read your lines!"

"Hm?" The Jounin looked up. "Oh!"

She replied in a flat voice. "What is this show, Hiruka-san?"

The light panned back to the Chuunin, who seethed a bit at the other woman's apathetic attitude. Hiruka forced a smile. "Why 'Gender-Bent Fashion Express' of course! It's where everyone can get their daily dose of current kunoichi apparel for this messed up world that our beloved author has created."

The whole stage lit up in a series of flashing lights and blinking bulbs. The Chuunin waved her hand down a runway where three young teen kunoichi stood.

"Please welcome our models!" Hiruka called out. "Of the girls in Team Seven, Sakura!"

The pinkette shrugged nonchalantly as she strutted down the runway. On her upper body she wore a red long-sleeved shirt which bore the Haruno clan symbol, a white ring, on her back. She had a white scarf hanging loosely around her neck, covering her collarbone and cleavage from unwanted eyes. Her long, unnaturally pink hair was held back from her abnormally large forehead by her headband, which was made of a red cloth. Adorning her lower body, she had a pair of black, tight-fitting pants and the usual blue shinobi sandals.

Sakura reached the runway's end, blew a kiss to the audience and walked back to the base of the stage. The crowd cheered.

"Now the second of the lovely ladies, Satsuki!"

The raven-haired beauty rolled her eyes before she walked down the same path Sakura took. She wore a blue tank top over a white shirt that had the telltale Uchiha collar. The top had the Uchiha family crest, a red and white fan, on its back and front. The Uchiha heiress's silky hair flowed down her back. Her bangs were arranged pointing up slightly to the sides before bending back down to frame her face. Her Konoha headband was worn under the bangs on her forehead. She wore a loose, white skirt that swayed with each step, but upon closer looks, held an assortment of hidden kunai on the insides (along with a pair of shorts just in case she encountered a lucky male who managed to catch a glimpse underneath the skirt). Along with the standard shinobi sandals, she wore white and blue leg and arm warmers.

With another rolling of eyes and a sigh of exasperation, she turned around and walked back to the other two members of her team. The males in the crowd whooped loudly.

"Now last but not least in Team Seven, Naruko!"

The blonde bombshell skipped excitedly down the runway. She wore a black shirt covered by an open orange and black jacket. Her jacket bore the Uzumaki clan symbol, a red spiral, on a wooden medallion attached to the shoulder. She wore a matching set of black and orange pants, tied to the shins by bandages. She wore the same footwear as her teammates along with a pair of black leather gloves. Her long blonde hair was tied a pair of long pigtails. Her headband was wrapped around the shoulder not carrying her clan symbol.

Naruko stopped at the end of the runway where Hiruka stood. She quickly grabbed the microphone out of her former sensei's hands and brought it to her mouth before she could react.

"Hello, everyone! How are you all doing tonight?" She greeted with a big grin on her face. A loud cheer was their answer. "That's good! I don't know about you guys, but I feel like having some fun! And you know what's fun!?"

A large majority of the audience shook their heads, eager to find out the answer.

The Jinchuuriki grinned so widely, her head threatened to split in half. Her hands formed a single seal. "This!"

The stage exploded in a flurry of smoke. The clouds quickly dissipated, revealing a mass of naked bodies covering the stage, both male and female. The mass writhed in pleasure as its members rubbed against others of the opposite sex. And yet somehow, small wisps of yet to dissipate clouds covered the view of the more _important_ parts.

And in unison, the members of the audience snapped their heads backwards and a giant wave of blood erupted from their noses. Too bad the show was televised all over the Elemental Countries…

-

Hiroshi took a file of related documents and pictures and added them to a relatively dusty drawer where only three other files lie. The drawer was where information on Triple S-classed Jutsu was kept. These were techniques so devastating, whole nations would bow on their knees at the mere whisper of them.

The Sandaime Hokage blew the dust off of the files and read the files' titles.

'_**Kuchiyose: Shikyo no Tenshi.**__'_ (Summoning: Angel of Death)

'_**Shinkai Chikara: Monogokoro.**__' _(Heaven Power: Judgment)

'_**Makai Chikara: Mokushi.**__'_ (Hell Power: Apocalypse)

The aged woman carefully added the file, thinking about the fact that a fifteen-year-old boy had created a Jutsu that made the whole world fall to its knees and almost die from blood loss.

'_**Ecchiton: Tajuu Harem no Jutsu.**__'_ (Perverted Arts: Mass Harem Technique)

-

**Review please! And yes I love making cliffies and not updating for a couple hundred years. It makes you all grovel at my feet. Mwuahahaha!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes: **Hello all! After much thought, I've figured you guys have groveled enough. My feet are getting soaked with all the tears… And wet feet lead to stinky feet… And stinky feet lead to a horrible social life… Yeah.

**Disclaimer: I may not own Naruto, but I sure as hell will own you. MWUAHAHAHA!**

-

Satsuki was thrilled, excited, and having a blast. Why? She awakened the Sharingan. You know those eerie crimson eyes with commas inside them? Yeah, the raven-haired girl just awakened it. She couldn't even _begin_ to describe how badass she felt at the moment. If the Uchiha survived this fight, she'd never turn it off. At least not until she passed out from chakra exhaustion. It was just that damned cool! Of course as with most good things, something bad has to come with it.

What is this bad thing you ask? Her ass was getting the beating of its lifetime. Satsuki resembled a porcupine with all the senbon needles sticking out of her skin. She breathed heavily, the needles in her flesh restricting every single bodily function. At least she hadn't passed out from blood loss yet.

She scoffed. _'Yeah, at least I'm conscious so that I can feel this suffering. At this point, I just want to die already…'_

Her crimson eyes watched as her opponent seemed to appear in all of the mirrors that formed the dome around her, but Satsuki knew now that she was merely moving so fast, she gave the illusion of being in multiple places.

"There's no point, Uchiha-san." Haku told her. "You should just surrender now. If you do, I might be inclined to spare your life."

"You wish." Satsuki smirked. "I can see your movement patterns now. Eventually I'll catch you, and neither your speed nor your mirrors will have any use."

"That's a matter of you catching me first." The brown-haired teen responded. Haku took one senbon needle and took aim at the Uchiha's vital spots, planning to end the fight right there. All the reflections in the mirrors except for one, the very top of the dome, disappeared.

Satsuki narrowed her eyes as she spotted her target. She curled her legs and put as much chakra as safely possible into them. Haku cocked her wrist and focused on her chosen bull's-eye.

-

Hinata let out a breath of relief as she entered her room. Another day of hard work with her team.

The Hyuuga smiled softly. Although she wasn't on her team with her beloved, she was still with people she could call friends. Speaking of her 'beloved'…

Hinata slid open her walk-in closet and pushed aside the clothes covering the back wall. On the wall, there was a small handle. She took it and slowly shoved open the wall section, revealing a secret doorway to a compartment.

The contents of the small compartment in the back of her closet could've come out of a horror movie. There were wax candles, several pictures in gothic frames, and a single fox plushie. The lit candles illuminated the compartment, giving a creepy glow as the pictures became visible. They each were of a certain unknowing blonde. Hinata grabbed the plushie and held it tightly to her chest.

-

_**Flashback**_

A small girl of around nine years cried silently as she sat at the base of tree in the forest. She was accompanying her father on one of his daily walks through the woods behind the Hyuuga compound. Then a blue butterfly suddenly flying by her nose caught her attention. Young Hinata, fascinated at its beauty, followed it.

Hiashi sighed as he studied the forest canopy, watching the leaves sway from side to side in the breeze. A break from being clan head was something he needed.

'_At least I'm not a kunoichi. Those girls must need to go to a bar every other night to handle that kind of stress.'_ The Hyuuga head chuckled in mirth. He reminisced of his own kunoichi wife, who died giving birth to their second daughter. Unfortunately, while reminiscing, he was unaware of anything and everything occurring around him.

"Are you ready to go back now, Hinata?" The widowed man looked down to ask his daughter. "… Hinata?"

She was gone.

-

"Father!" The nine year old cried out as she held a captive butterfly in her hand. "Father, look what I caught!"

Hinata turned to find that her father wasn't there.

"F-father?" She stuttered. "Father, please don't use one of those mean tricks Maiji-neesan likes to play on me and Hanabi-chan."

The chirping of birds was her only response.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she realized she was completely and utterly lost. The nine-year old let the butterfly go, instead using her hands to wipe away the falling drops stemming from her white orbs. She immediately burst out running through the trees, her eyes scanning everywhere around her for any sign of her father or the trail they were on.

"Father!" Hinata shouted. "Where are you!?"

She cried out as she tripped over a root sticking out of the ground. Her knees and hands gracelessly scraped across the ground as she tried to break her fall. "Itai!"

The Hyuuga heiress rolled onto her rear and studied her knees and hands. The skin on her hands was raw and scraped. The pajama pants she was wearing were torn and the knees under it were bleeding profusely. Hinata sobbed as pain took over her senses. The sound of a twig snapping caught her attention.

"W-who's there!?" Her white eyes began to scan her surroundings, fearing for the worst. A nearby bush was parted as a blonde girl about her age walked through.

"I thought I heard someone crying." She stated as their eyes met. Cerulean met silvery white. Hinata studied the other girl. She was pretty, with tanned skin, long sunny-blonde hair tied into ponytails and three whisker-like marks on each cheek. She wore a simple white shirt with red pants.

"Oh Kami, are you alright!?" She exclaimed. The blonde went to the Hyuuga and grabbed her wrist. Hinata winced as pain went up her arm. The unknown girl 'tsk'ed as she grabbed one of her shirt sleeves and ripped it off. She tore the cloth in half and wrapped each of the halves onto Hinata's injured hands. "You should really be more careful. This forest is full of dangerous things."

"H-hai." Hinata murmured. She was enjoying the warmth of the girl's hands as they touched her own. A burning sensation filled her chest. This sensation was unlike anything she'd ever felt before. It was then that Hinata understood what the teenage branch members talked about when they watched her practice.

The other girl gasped as she looked up at Hinata's face. The gasp elicited a sense of worry from the Hyuuga. Questions filled her mind. Why did she gasp? Is my face all scraped too? Do my eyes creep her out? Did she recognize I'm a Hyuuga? Does she not like Hyuugas? Am I ugly? Is that it?

The questions that popped up in her mind confused the poor girl to no end.

"Your face is all red." The blonde put a hand to Hinata's forehead, making her blush even more. "Do you have a cold?"

"HINATA!" A voice called out from nearby.

"Father!" Hinata responded to the familiar voice. Relief flooded her veins. Her father's voice called out again to confirm her.

"Shimatta, I think I have to go now." The girl told her as she stood to leave. "Hope your injuries get better."

"M-matte." The timid girl grabbed a hold of the blonde's hand. "What's your name?"

The blonde smiled. Hinata could feel her heart flutter. "You can call me Naruko."

_**Flashback End**_

-

Hinata hugged the plushie even harder. A year after the incident, she was shocked to find herself in the same class as her beloved Naruko in the Kunoichi Academy. The Hyuuga couldn't have been happier. However, her ten-year old mind recognized the implications of liking another girl. It was wrong, unhealthy to society. So she kept it a secret, not openly displaying her feelings to anyone.

She remembered then why she owned the plushie. It was supposed to be a gift for Naruko for her eleventh birthday which, Hinata had found out, was the same day as the Kyuubi Festival. Unfortunately, clan matters intervened and the poor girl was unable to give her beloved the present.

She sighed. _'If only Naruko-chan was a boy. Then I'd be able to love her openly and without consequence.'_

"If only…" She muttered.

-

Satsuki lay still on the cold cement of the bridge. She gasped for breath as the senbon in her throat restricted her breathing. The Uchiha knew the blow wasn't fatal, seeing as she did not bleed from the wound. The needle was meant to incapacitate her, not to kill her.

"I am sorry." Haku told her. "But I cannot let you get in the way of my master's dream. I am only doing what a tool must."

'_Just shut the fuck up…'_ Satsuki mentally ranted. She glared at the other teen hatefully as her vision started to wave and fade to black.

Haku sighed in relief. For a second, she thought she had lost when the two had started the Taijutsu fight. The brunette had gotten a lucky stunning kick to the sternum that gave her enough time to perform her signature Jutsu. If it had lasted any longer, the Uchiha's superior Taijutsu style would've resulted in her being dead. And being dead means being useless. And being useless to her Zaekara-sama was something inconceivably sinful in her eyes.

She watched as the Uchiha slowly wafted into unconsciousness. Haku slowly slid out of her mirror and dropped to the raven-haired girl. She maintained the Jutsu should her opponent's pink-haired teammate decide to come to the rescue. Haku slowly began taking needles out of Satsuki's flesh, trying not to damage any vital parts.

"Satsuki!" A male voice called out. Haku narrowed her eyes as she immediately stood, getting into a basic defensive stance. A blonde burst through the mist and slid to a stop a few feet in front of the Hyouton user.

His eyes widened as he saw his teammate still on the ground, needles still sticking out of various parts of her body.

"S-Satsuki?" Naruto gasped. He brought his hand over his mouth and nose. The stench of Satsuki's blood permeated the area. Her blood flowed over the cement floor. Haku hovered above her body, like a vulture about to eat a carcass. "W-what did you do to her?"

Haku smiled sadly behind her ceramic mask. "Is this the first time you've lost a precious person?"

Naruto staggered as his eyes began to water. "How could you?"

"She was an enemy. I had to dispatch her in order to protect my own precious people, Naruko-san." Haku said. She slowly took her mask and let it drop to the floor, where it splashed in Satsuki's pool of blood.

Naruto couldn't hide his shock. "Y-you're the girl from yesterday."

"This is the life of a kunoichi, Naruko-san." Haku stated. Her lips were thin and straight, showing no emotion. Her eyes were empty and heartless, as cold as the ice she manipulated. "To kill to serve your masters: that is the way of the kunoichi. That is nindo."

Tears flowed freely from the blonde Jinchuuriki's eyes. "Is that really the kunoichi way? To kill and feel no remorse? To murder and live without consequence?"

"We are nothing but tools, weapons to be precise. We are made to _kill_." Haku stated. Her eyes narrowed slightly. Her hand twitched. It held the senbon that went through Satsuki's neck. A newly-minted Genin that has just had his first taste of death would be an easy target.

"But… You ended her dream." Naruto murmured as his eyes dropped to look at his feet. His eyes were clouded with confusion and pain. "She had a dream to fulfill, to succeed. As her teammate… her friend, I was supposed to help her achieve it."

"She was in the way of _my_ dream." Haku stated again. She cocked her wrist and pulled her arm back to throw the projectile. "My dream is assure Zaekara-sama's ambition."

"Why do you serve that crazy bitch anyways!?" Naruto shouted at her. "All she does is cause pain and suffering to others! The person that I met yesterday in those woods should have no relation to someone like that in the first place!"

"You do not know the darker world I live in, Naruko-san." Haku responded. Her arm tensed.

"Then tell me about the darker world you live in!" Naruto all but screamed the sentence at her. His voice cracked at the volume. "Explain to me! I want to understand why you did this!"

She paused. Haku slowly brought her hand down. "You… want to know?"

A fierce nod and gritted teeth was her answer.

"Fine then…" Haku frowned slightly. "My story begins when my mother was killed…"

-

Hyuuga Maiji and Rock Lea were currently engaged in a fierce Taijutsu battle. Blows were traded every now and then in the flurry of limbs and cloth.

Tenten, the third member of the group, watched them from the base of a tree. She polished her kunai systematically, not taking her eyes off her teammates. A sudden green blur crashed into ground beside her.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

"Konnichiwa, Chikku-sensei."

Maito Chikku nodded to her weapons specialist student. "Konnichiwa to you as well, youthful Tenten."

"Have those library guards stopped bugging you about that book yet?" Tenten asked. Her eyes still hadn't left the ball of punches and kicks in the field.

"Alas, they have not." The green leotard-clad woman frowned. "Why would I borrow a book about male kunoichi anyway?"

"Male kunoichi? You mean the Legend of the Shinobi?" Tenten raised an eyebrow. Now her attention was on her sensei. "Who would want to read _that_ book?"

"That is what I have been youthfully trying to convince them." She sighed. "Why would I want to read about shinobi of all things when the library is full of youthful Taijutsu texts?"

"Who does?" Tenten scoffed. "Boys are _way _inferior to girls when it comes to ninja business. I feel sorry for whoever wants to read that book. They're probably no-life losers with no other interests."

"Now that is not a youthful thing to say, Tenten." Chikku turned her frown to her student. "The other gender has many of their own youthful qualities as well that would be useful in kunoichi situations."

"Sure boys have larger chakra reserves and are stronger, but those could be easily increased with minimal effort." Tenten responded. "Increasing the chakra control and grace that girls naturally possess takes concentration and time. I mean, take for example Tsunade of the Densetsu no Sannin. She's quite possibly the strongest person in the world, much stronger than any male samurai. Also add in the fact that most men are hormonal pigs. This was proven in the First Great Ninja War. The Sandaime Hokage says so herself."

Chikku sighed in exasperation. The only way to convince Tenten that she was wrong was to find a prime example, but where could she get one of those? Like the book that she was accused of stealing said, shinobi were a myth… Weren't they?

-

"Zaekara-sama was the only one who gave me purpose in life." Haku spat at the blonde. As her tale went on, she had become increasing frustrated at Naruto. By the time she was finished, the brunette was seething. Why is this?

Naruto held a blank look on his face since Haku had described how she killed her own father after he murdered her mother. No sense of empathy or pity showed in his cerulean orbs.

An awkward silence followed Haku's story.

She growled. "Why don't you talk, huh!? Are you embarrassed to find your life is the lap of luxury compared to mine!? Are you scared!? Are you afraid to fight someone who has seen hell and come back!?"

He only blinked.

"Why you…" Haku brought her hand with the senbon back up. "How could you stay silent after I just spilled out my whole life onto your ears!?"

Naruto's face did not change. He didn't move a single muscle.

Haku's own face was twisted in anger; it was a horrible contrast to her usual pretty visage. She flicked out her hand, sending the senbon straight at Naruto's throat. It was straight and true, but unlike her fight with Satsuki, Haku wasn't aiming to just knock him unconscious…

The needle struck him and blood spurted out as his jugular vein was pierced. Soon however, the airborne blood began to blend with the mist and turned into smoke. 'Naruto' promptly burst into a cloud.

The feeling of cold steel touched Haku's neck and back. The points of two kunai held by the real Naruto were held directly at two of her vitals: the throat and the heart.

"Don't get into the habit of starting monologues against an able opponent, Haku-chan." Naruto smirked. "Your defenses are lowered temporarily when you ramble on and on. I have experience with that."

"How did you-?"

"**Kage Bunshin**. They're quite useful." Naruto interrupted. "Look Haku-chan, I'm sorry for doing this."

"Deception is a kunoichi's greatest tool. How could I forget…?" Haku mumbled. "You are the better tool, Naruko-san."

Naruto scoffed. He withdrew his kunai and grabbed the girl by her shoulders before spinning her to face him. "One: My name is Naruto. Two: We are not tools to anyone; we are people."

"Did you not hear me earlier?" Haku said quietly. Her eyes gave off a defeated look. "Kunoichi are only tools to their masters."

"Who told me that one will only become strong through protecting their precious people, huh!?" Naruto responded. "If kunoichi are only emotionless tools, how would they ever get strong?"

"A master should be one of the most precious, if not _the_ most."

"That doesn't make sense! A precious person is someone who is _precious_ to you and thinks of you as _precious_, hence _precious_ people!" Naruto's hold on her shoulders tightened, making her wince in pain.

"To me, precious people are the ones who acknowledge my existence. Someone who gives me purpose deserves the title." Haku glared at the blonde with intensity. "A sheltered child like you doesn't know the meaning of loneliness. With your life of luxury in the strongest of the hidden villages, you probably can't even begin to describe what it feels like to finally have purpose in life, even if it is morally wrong."

-

Kirashi sighed in relief. Her Jutsu was a success. Her nin-dogs were able to finally catch that damned Kiri nuke-nin. Zaekara grunted as she struggled against the impossibly large dogs latched onto her like she was a piece of meat.

Kirashi began to form handseals for one of her two signature Jutsu. "**Raikiri!**"

'_W-what is that Jutsu!?'_ Zaekara gasped behind her bandages. _'The chakra coming from it is visible!'_

"It's time for you to die, Momochi Zaekara." The silver-haired Jounin told her. The Sharingan in her left eye spun madly. Kirashi's killing intent radiated the area as she pumped even more chakra into her lightning-covered hand.

-

"Luxury…" Naruto mumbled. He mouthed the word, toying with it like it was something new to his vocabulary. He chuckled and closed his eyes. "Luxury is not fit for a demon."

"Demon?" Haku asked. She gasped as the blonde opened his eyes. They were the very color of blood, a deep crimson that made her skin crawl. The pupils were slit, like that of a beast's.

"Since I was born, Haku-chan, I have been put down, beaten, maimed, and mutilated from people who inhabit the very streets I live in. However, I found people who I could call precious, people who cared not for what I was but cared for _who_ I was." He said. His voice had a sudden guttural sound to it. Everything he said could better be described as grunts and growls than words. "But yet I want to change that. I want to become the Hokage so that I may be acknowledged by those who have yet to become my precious ones. I want to become Hokage so that I may protect the ones I already have. That is _my_ purpose."

"I don't know what it means to kill my own father. Hell, I never even knew my parents." Naruto's crimson eyes returned to their normal color. He smiled sympathetically. "But I do know what it feels to be lonely. I know what it feels to be homeless and without purpose. I know what it feels to be impaired from achieving your dream."

"Zaekara-sama was the first to acknowledge me." Haku weakly whispered. Tears began to well up in her own eyes. _'It's been a long time since I've cried.'_

"That doesn't mean he'll be the only one, baka." The Jinchuuriki scolded. "If you want someone to acknowledge you _and_ think of you as a precious person, then I'd be happy to be that someone."

The sound of crackling filled the air. They oddly resembled birds chirping.

"Zaekara-sama!" Haku turned to the source of the sound. "Sorry, Naruto-san, but as of right now, Zaekara-sama is my only precious person."

The ice-manipulator shoved Naruto's hands from her shoulders and promptly disappeared.

-

(**A/N: Well since there was a serious lack of hilariousness this chapter, I made not one, but **_**two**_** Omakes! You better thank me for this.**)

_**Omake 1**_

Tazuna and his escorts walked through the thick mist clouding the road.

"Gah!" Naruko let out. "Why is everything so damned misty!? I can barely see my own hand in front of my face!"

"That's because you squint too much, dobe." Satsuki rolled her eyes. "I swear you need glasses."

The blonde promptly gave her the bird. Sakura sighed at their antics.

"Now, now you two." Kirashi said. She had her nose buried in her orange book of malignant horror (aka Yaoi). "Keep watch for anything suspicious. I'm sure the Demon Sisters aren't the only ones trying to impede our mission."

"Fine." Naruko sighed. A 'whish'ing sound made her ears prick up with curiosity.

"GET DOWN!" Her Jounin-sensei cried. The group all dropped to the ground, Kirashi tackling Tazuna with her.

Suddenly, a huge-ass sword flew over their heads and slammed into the trunk of a nearby tree. The blade nearly cleaved the tree straight through.

"What the hell!?" Naruko cursed. "That sword is huge!"

A figure dropped from the tree's leaves and stood on the sword's handle. It crouched into the misty shadows, shading its more defined features from view.

"Kukuku, well if it isn't Sharingan Kirashi, the famed Copy-Cat Kunoichi." The voice giggled. It was female.

Kirashi narrowed her eye. "Momochi Zaekara, A-rank nuke-nin from Kirigakure. One of the former Seven Swordsmen and wielder of the Kubikiri Houchou."

"I see you've done your research." The figure stood, revealing her bandaged face and upper body. Zaekara then noticed something amiss. Instead of cowering in fear, her soon-to-be victims were just staring at her with shock. "What is it?"

Tazuna's nose promptly erupted into a fountain of blood. He fell unconscious, dreaming happy dreams. The other four had a different reaction.

"My eyes! My eyes!"

"I think I'm about to hurl…"

"Have you no shred of decency, woman!?"

"She doesn't have tits!"

Zaekara's nonexistent eyebrow twitched. _'Why does this always happen?'_

"I'm not topless!" The nuke-nin shouted in anger. Indeed, it appeared all the woman wore were a scarf, a pair of very baggy pants, and a strap to carry her sword. "I'm just wearing a skintight body suit!"

To accentuate her point, she pulled at the rubber suit that covered her entire upper body with the exception of her hands and head.

"Ew! She's all saggy too!" Naruko screamed in horror. The pseudo-girl began to cry incessantly. Satsuki actually threw up in a nearby bush. Sakura was in a fetal position, her eyes shut tightly to avoid any other graphic images.

Kirashi sweatdropped. "Don't you think getting a body suit the same color as your skin would give off unnecessary ideas?"

Meanwhile in a nearby tree, Haku was laughing her ass off.

-

_**Omake 2**_

Naruto sighed as he plopped onto his bed. Today's workout had been especially tiring. A good night's rest would do him good.

"Kirashi-sensei was harsh. Ah well. At least training brings me closer to the goal of becoming Hokage, dattebayo!" The blonde cheered. Then he reached under his mattress in order to pull out an orange book. "Time to see what everyone sees in this book."

The blonde had bought the book from a store. He wondered why every other female he knew, including the Hokage, Kirashi-sensei and Hiruka-sensei, read it and really wanted to see what the big deal was.

He turned to the first page…

-

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Possibly the loudest girly-man scream ever to be heard in the Elemental Countries echoed throughout Konoha.

"That sounded like Naruto!" Hiroshi gasped. She immediately called three battalions of Anbu. They traveled to Naruto's apartment, fearing for the worst. _'I sent a messenger hawk to Jayira just in case Naruto's tenant has something to do with this.'_

One Anbu blew the door down with a Fuuton Jutsu and the elite kunoichi flooded the apartment. They searched every room, confiscated all potentially dangerous items, and sealed every doorway and window with anti-demon seals. After they had secured the area, Hiroshi ran in to find Naruto in his female form on the bed, looking quite confused.

"What happened, Naruko!?" The Sandaime Hokage demanded more than asked.

"Nothing, Baachan." Naruko explained. "I was just reading a book when all these girls suddenly barged into my apartment and began to put everything in a plastic bag!"

Hiroshi sweatdropped as she spotted a couple of Anbu trying to stuff a sofa into a seal-reinforced bag. Then her sweat drop grew when she saw one of the battalion's captains put a familiar orange book into another, much smaller bag. _'So that's why Jayira put all those anti-male warnings all over her book covers.'_

"Naruko…"

"Hai, Baachan?"

"Are your eyes bleeding?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, dattebayo."

-

**Repaso, por favor! Se un poco espanol porque a la clase de espanol. :D**

**Translation: Review or I'll eat your face. I know other languages because Chuck Norris compels me to.**


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